World Cup Goalkeepers Asking For Goals to Be Bigger

Everybody Soccer is a site that mostly covers non-fiction goalkeeping events. Occasionally we’ll see a satirical piece to offer some more variety, like this article here as well as some interviews with MLS goalkeepers from the past couple years. All quotes here are fictitious. Cover photo from Slate.com.


After a stunning display against defending champions the United States, Chilean goalkeeper Christiane Endler sparked some controversy with her post-game remarks.

“It was a good game. I felt really confident with how I played. But to be honest I would have liked to see what I can do with a bigger goal.”

The US jumped out to an early lead, scoring three goals just 35 minutes into the game. On the heels of a new World Cup scoring record of 13 in the previous game against Thailand, it looked like the US was pushing for another double-digit scoreline. However Endler had other plans, repeatedly turning down scoring chance after scoring chance.

“There was one save I had in the second half, against Christen Press, where I had the shot covered so well I started thinking, ‘You know, the Texas state flag does look a lot like ours. I wonder if that was on accident or if they’re just big fans.’ And then I made the save.”

Chile isn’t the only country who has displayed great goalkeeping this world cup; Jamaica boasted newcomer Sydney Schneider, who quickly made her name known after her performance against Brazil. The nineteen-year-old’s showing went viral after the collegiate-athlete shut down a number of dangerous opportunities for the Brazilians, despite the loss.

Jamaican goalkeeper Sydney Schneider will return to UNC Wilmington this fall, where much controversy surrounds the height and width of the Seahawks’ goal frames.

Jamaican goalkeeper Sydney Schneider will return to UNC Wilmington this fall, where much controversy surrounds the height and width of the Seahawks’ goal frames.

“In college, we play with the same size goals,” Schneider said. “They’re 8 feet high. I thought at the World Cup we’d be playing on bigger goals. I was actually a little disappointed to see they were the same size.”

Not to be outdone, veteran goalkeeper Vanina Correa has made Argentina proud after allowing only one goal against Japan and England, two teams who finished second and third in the 2015 edition of the World Cup.

Correa shares what has made her so successful this summer, “I can save most high shots by sticking my hands up. And for the ones I can’t quite get by standing, I just jump. The goals could be bigger. Japan and England could certainly use the help.”

But not everyone is in favor of the new change. Italian goalkeeper Laura Giuliani has spoken out that there would be some unintended consequences if the goal dimensions were adjusted.

“If we make the goal bigger, the nets won’t fit. And then we’ll have some really big problems on our hands,” Giuliani said.

MLS Goalkeepers on the Offseason

Following last year’s article, Everybody Soccer returns to inform fans on how their favorite MLS goalkeepers kept themselves busy this winter. From a wide variety of answers, it’s clear to see that there’s no one right way for how an athlete should best prepare for the nine month season. Special thanks go out to independent contractors Hunter Beck, Jared Dryden, JT Hill, Jacob Klotz, Tanner Sharp, and Barrett Smith for their diligent reporting.

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The Nutmeg News Interview: US Soccer's Number One and Only Satirical Website

In a vast soccer blogosphere, The Nutmeg News stand alone as the only satirical website focused on American soccer. TNN varies their output from covering Clint Dempsey's lunch buffet suspension, to making their own series of YouTube videos, and having a reoccurring kit giveaway contest. With such a unique take on the American soccer landscape, I reached out to editorial staff to find out how the The Nutmeg News work behind the scenes.

Tell us about how you started The Nutmeg News and the site's A/S/L.

By registering a domain. Yes, we support American Sign Language, and especially support the hearing impaired. We made it a point to caption our videos, something Major League Soccer hasn't started doing despite a surprisingly easy process to do so on Youtube that requires virtually no effort what so ever.

Nutmeg News has been the center of several controversial articles. What is the site’s philosophy on publishing a story that could possibly tarnish individual reputations?

There's no point in trying to be controversial just to be controversial if the meat of the article within doesn't contain an element of truth. If something doesn't ring true, it isn't going to make a person laugh or think or interact with that story at all. When it comes to individuals, for example the Abby Wambach story, there is truth to the matter of how she reacted regarding Magic Jack, and how she publicly treated Ella Masar, how she interacted with Dan Borislow and the fact that as a golden icon of American soccer she tends to get away with these things. However, to imagine that a stupid website that writes stupid things could tarnish someones legacy is laughable. No one looks at Abby Wambach and denies her place in the pantheon of amazing international players because of this website.

Tell us about the mega kit giveaway. How does a person enter the contest and how important is it for their twitter handle to include the term "stooge" in order to win?

The editorial staff takes their own money and buys a randomly selected winner a kit. We let our intern Bobby decide which kit you get. You enter by following The Nutmeg News on Twitter or Facebook and sending us an email, @, or comment on Facebook that you want a free kit. It's quite simple. And no, you don't need the term stooge. Simply by following The Nutmeg News most people are going to think that anyway.

What is the main focus of TNN when it comes on deciding what news to report?

In order of ridiculous things, it goes

1. The League (i.e MLS/NASL/USL/NPSL)
2. The Fans
3. The Players

And most of the egomaniac players (see: Landon Donovan) have retired without an appropriate person to take their place, yet. The Nutmeg News isn't written for the general public, it is written for the editorial staff only. Other people read it and seem to find it funny, but it is only written for the editorial staff and the tastes of the editorial staff may change on a whim.

How cohesively do you work with the rest of media? 

We interact with many other media outlets on a regular basis using Ctrl-C and Ctrl-V almost exclusively.

Nutmeg’s motto is “Sports. Glory. Infamy” Why was pizza excluded from the motto?

We let the Executive Director of our Branding Department (based in New York City), Pete Hamilton, answer this question for you. 

Our apologies for that, Pete is a complex individual.

That was incredibly overwhelming. What are some goals you've set for TNN moving forward?

We would really like to sell out, get paid, have a severe drop off in our quality, get cut out of the company, invest our money into bonds, come back and buy The Nutmeg News when it is low and start all over again.

What are your predictions for the MLS Final?

2-2 tie and, according to this press release we have been handed just now, NYCFC will be pronounced the winner.

 

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